outsider at church

I have been trying to process how I have been feeling about being in a new place around new people and a new church. I wouldn't trade any of it for anything, but I would trade how I have been feeling at church. You know I was raised in a church where everyone knew me and I knew everyone. My church helped raise me, my church loves me, supports me, encourages me and is still "home" for me. Then in college... wherever you went to church you were a "concordia student" so it was what it was and it was fine, never really felt all that strange and never really had a "home church" there. Then I went to work for a church full time. Whether or not people want to, they have to get to know you. I was in charge of things, responsible for people and children and youth. I was responsible for heading up areas of the church, finding volunteers and getting to know people and families. I knew people and people knew me.

Now I am in a new world. I am in a world that I stay at home as a mom and wife. I help keep the house together (oh how it still needs work). I wash clothes, cook meals, break up fights, play, do homework, wash dogs, keep schedules together etc. etc. Again I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have been lonely. I miss my friends, I miss my family but I realize that I am going through an adjustment and transition in my life right now. I guess I just expected to go to church and people to talk to me and reach out to me and want to get to know me. I thought people would at least say hi to me at church. Here I am, an outsider for the first time in my life and let me tell you what. IT HURTS.

Yesterday was an emotional day already. I had a doctors appointment and I just don't even know what to think about it. I can't decide if I like the doctor or not and I can't decide if I like what he had to say or not. I was expecting to go and get answers, I was praying for peace. I was praying for a doctor who sat and talked to me and understood me--I left confused, restless and full of emotion. I came home and just lost it. Thank God for my husband who works from home on Wednesdays--his arms around me, his tears, his words remind me that no matter what we are fine.

Ok so I have been crying all day, I am tired and emotional but it was the first night of church groups. I have been looking forward to going to the woman's bible study for about 6 months now. I have been doing the countdown. Mike introduced me to a lady a church a few weeks ago and she said I should find her and sit at her table for bible study. I got there early to make sure I got a spot at her table. I walked in and there is a room just full of tables. I don't know anyone. I start walking through the room looking for her table. One older lady asked if she could help me find a table. She did, then didn't talk to me again. I stood on one side of the room for at least 15 minutes if not longer. In that time no one talked to me. The director of the ministries passed me several times. There were ladies EVERYWHERE but no one talked to me. My mind told me to just go sit out in the truck until bible study was over and find Mike and the kids afterwards but I knew that was wrong. My heart just ached. I just want to be a part of this church. I just want to make friends, I just want to feel like I belong and I really want to stop going to church and feeling lonely. I hate feeling lonely. So about 15 minutes into standing there looking lost, almost crying another older lady comes and asks me if I am ok. "I noticed you have just been standing there for a long time" --I wanted to be like yeah I noticed it to why did it take you so long if you noticed that but I just told her thank you and that I thought I was suppose to be a part of a table but it had a sign on it "I'm sorry--this table is full" I felt so shut out, so hurt, so isolated. Finally when then lady whom I met came to that table I went to say hello but she started talking to someone else and so therefore I was shut out again. When that happened i looked at the table next to that one. A sweet woman named Rachael was the facilitator and said she had a spot or two left. I ended up sitting there. The ladies were nice, I don't know how it will turn out but I am sure God has a plan. I know this. I was hurt last night. My heart ached. It ached for not feeling accepted and loved in a church, it ached because I know I have been that person that walks back and forth and doesn't say hi or sees someone who needs help and doesn't help. It hurts because I really want this place to be our home and I really feel like a foreigner. We go to this church because we believe in what they stand for. Our senior pastor is amazing. The kids ministry is great. They are a growing church... they have a great men's ministry and they are bold from the pulpit. They teach the gospel, they preach discipleship, they teach worship... but the simple gesture of reaching out hasn't happened for me and oh how I feel like a great big outsider.

I pray this will change. I pray I will get connected and I know I will because I won't let this stop me, that's not who I am. I also pray that as I connect that I seek people who are in the spot I am in currently and reach out to them. I feel like I should facilitate an "I'm new here and no one is talking to me" table to help people find that connection.

I just really needed to get this all out. If you are still with me at this point. Wow and thanks! :)

Brutus explains how he feels about mom

So Mike was trying to be cute and make Brutus answer questions. So in asking him how he feels about mom and if she is his favorite, he has a hard time answering and then you need to answer very very carefully.

you have to listen very carefully.... when he is asked the second time he farts. gooo brutus!

Back to School-- Happy 5th Graders

Nathan and Aliyah had their first day of 5th grade on August 17, 2010

This weekend.

Wow. This weekend was just full of excitement. On Friday night we got to have a much needed family night. The four of us headed up the hill to Auburn to go to "Fast Fridays" It is a Flat SpeedRacing track where I wasn't sure what was about to happen but I know my kid will never be doing it. I would freak out. We have videos on our phones... I hope I can figure out how to upload them. There were also three dudes there from the XGames who were doing crazy and stupid jumps on their bikes. They were 35 feet int he air for about 75 feet. They were doing jumps and swerves in the air and even backflips. STUPID PEOPLE!! :) It was fun to watch the little pee wee's race and then the juniors and the fast dudes were just that fast and nuts. We had a lot of fun, got hit by some dirt and enjoyed just hanging out.

Mikes brother was doing power for a big outdoor music and art festival in San Francisco this weekend as well. He got us two free passes for Saturday. It was an experience. Wow. It was so nice to have time with Mike. We haven't really had a date or been able to do anything fun with just the two of us since the wedding/honeymoon. We took the kids to grandma's and headed for Golden Gate Park. Besides the fact that it took us 4.5 hours to get there it was a nice drive ha ha. We got in back stage and hung out with David for a little bit and then just wandered around and people watched and explored and listened to a band. It was a lovely time watching old hippies, younger hippies, some normal people, oh and the smell of pot was just filling the air.. mmm mmm skunky!! :) No seriously we loved getting to spend time together. I ask Mike if Pot being around you could make you high he said no that I was probably just high on life and the fact that this is one of the first times I haven't had to worry about kids or deal with fighting or anything like that in a looong time. It felt good.

Sunday we hung out at Mikes mom's house. We just relaxed. The kids played and swam. We are now in the back to school swing of things.

The kids both start 5th grade tomorrow. Oh My. They are currently at two different schools. We are waiting it out a little bit to see how that goes and to see if an opening happens at 5th grade at Nathan's school. It's so hard to be a parent these days. Everyone has their opinions on whether you are making the right choice or not for your kid. I think sometimes people forget that your child is just that... your child. I was talking to a teacher today and though we respect her and like her she was telling me things that as I left I was like. She does realize those were my kids she was talking about. I didn't give birth to them, but I am their mom and I care deeply for them and want the best for them. She gets that right. Sometimes I fear that kids become like data or numbers in a big school system. It hurts my heart. I did like the teachers that the kids have, not to figure out what school they will both be going to. AHHH.

What has been happening?

Well here we are. We haven't posted in forever and we find ourselves wondering where summer went. It is hard to believe that the kids start school on Tuesday. We are trying to gear up for the school schedule of life. Right now we are trying to figure out where our kids will be going to school. Currently Nathan is enrolled at the school we want both of our kids to go to. It is known to be an excellent school and our kids are in need of a fresh start and a place that will embrace them for who they are! Aliyah is at the school they went to last year. We are fighting hard to get her into AC but there is no room at the inn at this time. Very Frustrating.

We can't wait to head to St. Louis in just a few weeks! We are so excited to see family and friends and WE CAN'T WAIT TO MEET OUR NEPHEW!!!! Micah Brian was born July 16th and it just makes us crazy that we haven't met him in person. Thank God for Skype!

My work with Thirty-One (www.mythirtyone.com/melissacarr) has been going great! I am doing well and have two consultants I am sponsoring already! Once they qualify I will already be a Senior Consultant! We are excited that I can bring in some extra money to help out with house projects, bills, a possible new car in the future and more.

I am learning a lot about being a mom and a wife and trying to do all I can to be the best I can. Our next door neighbor is also a stay at home mom and her and I have been getting a long well. We are different but I think there is beauty in that. They are a nice Christian family and our kids love hanging out with their kids. They have had a movie night next door almost every night this week.

I find myself hard to believe that life last year was nothing like this and that we have the life we have right now. Mike's work has gone from INSANITY to a "normal" work week for him which is an incredible blessing.

We have done a lot of work around here. We painting an alcove in the dining room, all three bathrooms and Aliyahs room. We also got new lights for our bathroom so that is super exciting. The rest of the painting will just have to wait for a while. it is a ton of work and a ton of money. Baby steps. I want to put a video up of the house and what we have done but that requires the house to be a little more on the "clean" side. The kids and I have been running around like crazy this week. We went to sunsplash twice and have been here and there and everywhere the other days. I am hoping to get some major motivation to clean in a few minutes here then I will video for you.