outsider at church

I have been trying to process how I have been feeling about being in a new place around new people and a new church. I wouldn't trade any of it for anything, but I would trade how I have been feeling at church. You know I was raised in a church where everyone knew me and I knew everyone. My church helped raise me, my church loves me, supports me, encourages me and is still "home" for me. Then in college... wherever you went to church you were a "concordia student" so it was what it was and it was fine, never really felt all that strange and never really had a "home church" there. Then I went to work for a church full time. Whether or not people want to, they have to get to know you. I was in charge of things, responsible for people and children and youth. I was responsible for heading up areas of the church, finding volunteers and getting to know people and families. I knew people and people knew me.

Now I am in a new world. I am in a world that I stay at home as a mom and wife. I help keep the house together (oh how it still needs work). I wash clothes, cook meals, break up fights, play, do homework, wash dogs, keep schedules together etc. etc. Again I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have been lonely. I miss my friends, I miss my family but I realize that I am going through an adjustment and transition in my life right now. I guess I just expected to go to church and people to talk to me and reach out to me and want to get to know me. I thought people would at least say hi to me at church. Here I am, an outsider for the first time in my life and let me tell you what. IT HURTS.

Yesterday was an emotional day already. I had a doctors appointment and I just don't even know what to think about it. I can't decide if I like the doctor or not and I can't decide if I like what he had to say or not. I was expecting to go and get answers, I was praying for peace. I was praying for a doctor who sat and talked to me and understood me--I left confused, restless and full of emotion. I came home and just lost it. Thank God for my husband who works from home on Wednesdays--his arms around me, his tears, his words remind me that no matter what we are fine.

Ok so I have been crying all day, I am tired and emotional but it was the first night of church groups. I have been looking forward to going to the woman's bible study for about 6 months now. I have been doing the countdown. Mike introduced me to a lady a church a few weeks ago and she said I should find her and sit at her table for bible study. I got there early to make sure I got a spot at her table. I walked in and there is a room just full of tables. I don't know anyone. I start walking through the room looking for her table. One older lady asked if she could help me find a table. She did, then didn't talk to me again. I stood on one side of the room for at least 15 minutes if not longer. In that time no one talked to me. The director of the ministries passed me several times. There were ladies EVERYWHERE but no one talked to me. My mind told me to just go sit out in the truck until bible study was over and find Mike and the kids afterwards but I knew that was wrong. My heart just ached. I just want to be a part of this church. I just want to make friends, I just want to feel like I belong and I really want to stop going to church and feeling lonely. I hate feeling lonely. So about 15 minutes into standing there looking lost, almost crying another older lady comes and asks me if I am ok. "I noticed you have just been standing there for a long time" --I wanted to be like yeah I noticed it to why did it take you so long if you noticed that but I just told her thank you and that I thought I was suppose to be a part of a table but it had a sign on it "I'm sorry--this table is full" I felt so shut out, so hurt, so isolated. Finally when then lady whom I met came to that table I went to say hello but she started talking to someone else and so therefore I was shut out again. When that happened i looked at the table next to that one. A sweet woman named Rachael was the facilitator and said she had a spot or two left. I ended up sitting there. The ladies were nice, I don't know how it will turn out but I am sure God has a plan. I know this. I was hurt last night. My heart ached. It ached for not feeling accepted and loved in a church, it ached because I know I have been that person that walks back and forth and doesn't say hi or sees someone who needs help and doesn't help. It hurts because I really want this place to be our home and I really feel like a foreigner. We go to this church because we believe in what they stand for. Our senior pastor is amazing. The kids ministry is great. They are a growing church... they have a great men's ministry and they are bold from the pulpit. They teach the gospel, they preach discipleship, they teach worship... but the simple gesture of reaching out hasn't happened for me and oh how I feel like a great big outsider.

I pray this will change. I pray I will get connected and I know I will because I won't let this stop me, that's not who I am. I also pray that as I connect that I seek people who are in the spot I am in currently and reach out to them. I feel like I should facilitate an "I'm new here and no one is talking to me" table to help people find that connection.

I just really needed to get this all out. If you are still with me at this point. Wow and thanks! :)